Zelda: The Misadventures of Link 3: Haphazard Hysteria
by Sonata-Time-Nocturne-Aoi
Summary: Complete! AU Crossover Parody. Medli's harp gets stolen by an annoying thief. To get it back, King Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule reluctantly appoints the only three people available to get the harp back to its owner. This will end up being the most ridiculous adventure our hero Link and his ragtag team has ever been on. Rated T for language.
1. A Kingdom of Idiots

**Story** : Zelda: The Misadventures of Link 3: Haphazard Hysteria  
 **Author** : Time Master  
 **Written** : June 30th, 2016  
 **Genre** : Humor  
 **Rating** : T (Language)  
 **Disclaimer** : I do not own Nintendo or its hopeless Hyrulian Heroes.  
 **Author's Note** : This is an AU parody incorporating multiple Zelda universes. Also, for the first time in our fics, Link talks.

* * *

 **A Kingdom of Idiots**

 **The Forest**

The sun trickles through the richly leaved trees along the forest path. In the distance you could hear the light chirping of lovebirds singing their quaint little songs. Medli, apprentice attendant of Valoo, the patron deity of the Rito, was playing with her most valued possession: the Rito Harp.

"Ah, a wonderful day to exercise my beautiful tunes to nature itself," she says as she sat down on a log and began to softly strum her harp. However, this peaceful day this wouldn't last very long...

* * *

 **Dining Hall of Castle King Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule**

King Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule and his assistant, Tetra, where discussing war plans over a private banquet within their castle.

"We've defeated the two evil soldiers that Yuga had sent to destroy us a week ago, but I fear we must talk serious negotiations with him if we are ever to stop this ongoing conflict," says King Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule, taking a sip of Energy Potion he had on hand.

"Serious negotiations? Sire, if we don't prepare an army to attack them soon, they'll send even more troops. Think of the consequences!" Tetra argues. "You're forgetting that Impa is still bedridden, and won't be able to train her men for at least a month. We need to send our own castle guards in their place!"

"I know that. I'm aware that she single-handely kicked the ass out of our enemies," Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule responds. "But she must rest and so does our men. I propose talks in the meantime."

"I don't like the idea. fine, then just replace her with whoever is second in command if our enemy is that incompetent!" says Tetra in a huff.

"Forget it. Groose is second in command. Besides, he's not back from his assignment yet anyway. Gongoron, our new apprentice in training, is also out getting a new shipment of weapons ready for our reserve. So until then, we'll just increase our normal border security along our coastlines," says King Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule. "Besides, I bet Yuga is too pissed-off right now to retaliate on such a larger scale anyways."

* * *

 **Fortress of Yuga**

Ganondorf and Vaati somewhat bowed before the very ticked off leader. Ganondorf was still in bandages from the battle, and the gaping hole in Vaati's chest hasn't seemed to have completely healed yet. Yuga stomps toward the two.

"You fumbling, bumbling, bufficious, baffled boobs! How could you let a single Sheikah woman defeat a couple of powerful warriors like you? I bet you let your overconfident attitudes cloud your judgement in combat?" Yugo says angrily to them.

"But Lord, that woman was too…" Ganondorf starts before Yuga interrupts him.

"Silence! On second thought, don't answer that. For punishment, I'm assigning you two to clean the dungeon lavatories for the rest of the week!" Yuga steams, before stomping out of the throne room.

"Great. There goes this week's paycheck," grumbles Ganondorf.

"What do you mean 'paycheck'? We didn't get anything for that mission!" says Vaati.

"Let's just say, I get extra cash for being the highest in rank in Yuga's list of mercenaries," Ganondorf responds smugly.

"Yuga's list of mercenaries? I never heard such a thing!" Vaati says in shock.

"That's why I get paid 500 gold coins a week, and you don't," Ganondorf taunts.

"Over-paid jerk-off," Vaati mutters under his breath. Ganondorf turns around and heads down the hall.

"Aren't you forgetting we have a job to do?" Vaati questions.

"I am not cleaning any of the dungeon's toilets. Not now, not ever," says Ganondorf.

Suddenly, a black fireball whizzed over Ganondorf's head and exploded against a wall near him.

"I think Lord Yuga thinks otherwise," says Vaati, who was heading towards the dungeon. Ganondorf groans and followed suit behind him.

* * *

 **Back At The Dining Hall of Castle King Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule**

The banquet meeting continues as a royal chef brought them their main course.

"Let's change subjects then. About Sheik, the new ruler of the Sheikah Kingdom…how's her territory holding up?" asks Tetra.

"Not too bad. She isn't used to being the new ruler of her own domain," says King Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule, biting into his food.

"I can imagine…" Tetra began. "…Since her land was destroyed by Yuga ten years ago in that terrible war, she was forced to take up the command. To make matters worst, she's the only person of royalty to lead in their history!"

"She'll be fine. Impa's reserve military and associates are taking care of her as we speak," King Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule responds confidently.

 **Sheikah Palace**

Sheik was in the kitchen of her palace, trying to figure out what to eat.

"I got a multitude of killer ninjas protecting my ass, but no one here knows how to cook! Something told me not to move out of my dad's place. How in the world am I supposed to cook ramen noodles?!" Sheik says in frustration, as she stood before a package of said noodles.

Suddenly, a small kunai darts in through the kitchen window, and lands right next to the package of noodles. After picking it up and upon closer inspection, the kunai had some writing on it. It read: 'Add water'.

Feeling rather stupid at the moment, Sheik decides to just go out to Chef Bear's place for dinner.

* * *

 **Back At The** **Dining Hall of Castle King Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule**

The banquet meeting was suddenly interrupted as a clatter of footsteps was heard outside the hall's entrance. The standing guard cracks the door open to see what was the ruckus, only to be knocked out of the way as Link stumbles in, breathing heavily as if something was chasing him. Both King Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule and Tetra spat out their food when they saw the Hero of Hyrule at the other end of their table.

"You again!" proclaims Tetra. "Can't you see we are in a middle of an important meeting right now?"

Link huffs as he regains his composure. He looked a bit ruffled, with a few scratches on his face. His hair was messed up, and his sword and shield were damaged.

"How the hell did you get past castle security?" King Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule demands.

It was obvious they've met this person somewhere before. Link scratches his head and looks back down the hallway.

"I simply played them a song that put them to sleep," says Link. "I am only doing this because I come to you with an emergency!"

"Can this wait?" grumbles King Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule. "My meal is going to get cold!"

Link finally eyes the glorious spread of food on the banquet table in front of him. He grabs a few items and stuffed them in his mouth. "Say, these golden sticks of potatoes are not bad," he comments in between bites.

"Those are called 'fries', some foreign dish or whatnot," Tetra points out.

King Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule quickly finishes his meal, stands and approaches the green-tunic hero.

"Now, what is it that you want?" King Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule demands, crossing his arms in distrust.

"Look, I know you are still angry for me accidentally breaking the Master Sword in half, ruining Majora's Mask by dropping it down a well, and sinking your ship after I took it out on a joyride, but you have to listen to me this time! It started earlier this morning…" Link began to recollect.

* * *

 **Flashback: The Forest**

 _I was taking a stroll through the forest, playing my Ocarina when I saw a young girl sitting there playing her harp near the woods, when I heard something rustle through the bushes across from me. Curious of what was making all that noise that,_ _I step past her to take a peek inside the shrubs. Before I knew it, someone pulled me in and started to arouse me…_

"I beg your pardon?" Tetra butts in.

 _"I mean, someone wrestled me to the ground, beat me up, and escaped with her harp when she tried to come to my aid!"_

"You're a damn weenie, son," King Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule responds dryly.

 _"Hey old man, that's not nice! Anyways, that thief must be brought to justice. This girl's precious little harp must be all alone being played around with that stranger. Wait…that didn't sound right…_

* * *

 **End of Flashback**

"So you're saying that you need my help to retrieve this little girl's little harp back from a thief, correct?" says King Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule.

"Uh, well, maybe I was thinking that…some of your men could help me as well," Link asks.

"Forget it," says King Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule. "Now get the out of my castle before I make you do the 'Song of Storms', with my foot up your ass! You've done enough damage in my kingdom as it is. I don't care if you are the legendary hero or not either!"

"Then you leave me with no choice," says Link as he pulls out his Ocarina. "I will now serenade you both with my Ocarina-rendition of a famous high-capella song of the Siren in G major, which I'll gladly play for you two!"

Tetra fell out of her chair onto the floor anime' style while King Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule steps back looking a bit horrified if Link were to actually sing that awful song.

"Oh sweet Golden Goddess no! All right! You can hire a few of my reserve men as soon as they are available, just get yourself and that spawn of hell outta here!" King Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule yells

"I'd knew you'd _sing it_ my way," says Link, as he steals another piece of food from the table.

"And get your hands out of my food!" King Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule adds, sitting back down in his seat. Link reluctantly licks the whole tray of food with his tongue in retaliation.

"Not anymore it isn't!" Link cheeses.

King Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule, now pissed off, stands up to chase down the green-tunic hero, only to trip over his own chair, causing him to fall face first into the tray of licked fries. Link escapes as fast as he could.

"Security!" King Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule shouts as his guards went to peruse the troublemaker.

* * *

 **Please review and keep watch for the next chapter** **, as this collection is constantly updated until its completion!**


	2. Three's A Crowd

**Three's A Crowd**

 **Link's Pad, Kokiri Forest**

It was the middle of the night.

Link is lounging comfortably in his bed, pondering on the whereabouts of poor Medli's harp.

He couldn't sleep. He just hoped that the King could grant him allies in completing his request. Feeling restless, Link gets up and grabs his Ocarina from off his table. He then began playing a slow melody in 'A minor'. As he played, he walks to the window of his second story tree-house and plays to the stars up above.

Suddenly, a rather large brick came out of nowhere...

 **SMASH!**

...which collides both into Link's Ocarina and face.

"Shut yer hole, you blowhard! It's three O' frickin' clock in the morning!" shouts his neighbor Mido from across the village, before slamming his window shut.

* * *

 **Castle King Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule**

It is the following morning at the Castle. Gongoron was back from his errands and was busy in training. Impa lay comfortably in her bed, reading the daily reports from her troops. Tetra was busy at work with paperwork. King Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule was in his royal bathtub planning this week's events.

"Hmm… I need to have Tetra write me a speech so I can address my country about foreign affairs. I also need to get Sheik's permission to host the next International Leaders Counsel meeting at her Palace…" King Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule says out loud. After he had finished his bath, he looks around for his towel.

It was nowhere in sight.

"Where did I put my towel at? It was here a minute ago," says the baffled King.

"Here's your towel, your highness!" says voice next to him. King Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule held out his arm without looking and grabs the towel.

"Hey thanks, Link…LINK?!" King Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule shouts as he finally realizes that the Hero of Hyrule was standing right next to him. "What are you doing in my bathroom?" the King roars, covering himself up in the process.

"Well, I couldn't get past the guards at the front gate, since they are still looking for me, so I climbed up the side of your castle into this room!" Link smiles. "So how about those men?" he eagerly asks.

King Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule remembers that vague notion he made the night before. He knew couldn't go back on his word if Link were to continue pestering him for days on end.

"Fine. Be downstairs in the throne room in ten minutes," he instructs in a defeated tone.

"Sure thing, sire. I'll make sure that Iiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeee!" Link yells as he slips on a conspicuously placed bar of soap that was sitting on the floor, and fell out of the 20 story bathroom window. Link screams as he fell, but luckily landed safely on a tall, tough-looking, red-headed young man who was walking just outside the window. King Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule puts his hand on his forehead and shook his head in disbelief of this day's events so far.

* * *

 **Throne Room of Castle King Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule**

The King sat on his throne as Link, the tiny Gongoron, and a new figure approaches their highness. King Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule stands up and rubs his bearded chin as if having second thoughts of this idea.

"Men, I've gathered you here today to give you your next task," the King says. Gongoron seems very ecstatic about his next mission. King Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule continues as he turned to the new guy standing next to them.

"Sir Groose, I am grateful you have returned from slaying that cursed dragon," he says to the tall, tough-looking, red-headed young man.

"Man, it was tough. That thing tried to step on me, then tried to barbecue me with his flame breath, and finally, it ate me and then crapped me out!" says Groose with much disgust. Everybody looks at him cringes at the thought.

"Well, I'm just glad you're back in one... piece. Anyway, I'm sure you've met Link, here," King Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule says pointing to him. Groose turns his head towards the green-tunic hero and glares at him.

"Yeah, he kinda dropped in on me…literally," Groose says rubbing his sore forehead. King Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule stands up and approaches his men. "Gentlemen, you're mission, which I doubt you'll choose to except it, is to assist this man in the search for this so called 'beloved'…harp."

Everyone blinks and turn to one another. Gongoron and Groose fell to the ground and laugh their asses off.

"You're...you're kidding right? We're looking for the weenie's little toy? Can't he just buy another one or something?" the teary-eyed Groose asks.

"Unfortunately not...," King Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule responds with a disgruntled sigh. "It's for a little girl, and apparently its a priceless artifact."

"What would be our pay for completing this task?" asks Gongoron. The King's eyes flew wide open when he forgot to establish an award for their troubles. At this moment, he couldn't think of anything big to give them, since he still had to pay his bills for the month.

"We'll, uh… leave that up to Link, here," the King says timidly. The two men bow their heads and made their way outside the Castle gates. Link hurries along behind them, half-running from the same castle guards who resume their pursuit after him, whilst tripping over himself several times along the way.

* * *

 **Please review and keep watch for the final chapter** **, as this collection is constantly updated until its completion!**


	3. The Insufferables

**The Insufferables**

 **Town Square**

The three men gather near the fountain centrally located in the town's square.

"Now, tell me Mr. Weenie, who are we going to track down?" asks Groose, who was twirling around a spear he had on hand while Gongoron sat on a bench polishing his tiny little dagger.

"It's 'Link'! Anyway, the thief who mugged me is an annoying young man who wears a fruity green leotard…" Link recollects.

"Sounds like a good description of Weenie-boy here when he might have once dressed in drag," Groose chuckles. Link turns around to smack Groose in the face, only to trip over a nearby bench.

"Can't be too hard to find," says Gongoron.

"I don't know about that. The forest is huge. He could be anywhere by now," comments Groose.

"Then let's head off to the Deep Forest area and scout around for clues!" Link proclaims, before tripping over Groose's spear, which the Dragoon left out on purpose.

* * *

 **Entrance To The Forest**

It was around noon when the party arrived at the exact area where Medli had sat yesterday. Everything was still the same from the time of the attack. Gongoron stops and looks at some small bushes where Link got his ass kicked.

"So, what now? Are we going to split up or what?" asks Groose. Link crosses his arms and surveys the area. Immediately, he then sees something scurry away from the tall tree branches above them. That's when he caught a glimpse of a figure that Link had described earlier.

"There he is!" Link points out as the thief leaps off a tree branch onto another. Gongoron and Groose ran up to the large pine tree.

"How in the world are we going to get up there?" Gongoron asks.

Groose coolly steps forward and readies his spear.

"Heh, heights are my specialty, men. Just watch as I jump up into that branch up there," Groose says confidently.

"But that's impossible! No one can leap that high in the air…can they?" asks Link.

"The region I'm from, Skyloft, we have a saying: the sky's the limit! Now, check this out", says Groose. He takes a few steps back, runs forward at full speed, and once he was almost right next to the tree's base, he amazingly jumps straight up several feet into the air. Unfortunately, he miscalculates, as he grabs onto the thinnest part of the branch instead. The two at the bottom stood half astonished, half puzzled from Groose's athletic feat.

"Well, at least I was able to grab onto a part of the br…what the?" says Groose as he feels something land on the branch he was hanging on. He looks up to see the guy that perfectly fits Link's description. The thief then bent over and laid comfortably next to where Groose's hands were. Link was jumping up and down as he yells to the harp-snatcher from down below.

"You! You're the one who beat me up and stole Medli's harp!" Link shouts angrily. "Give it back before I give you such a thrashing!"

Ignoring the hero's rant, the thief starts to unhook Groose's fingers one-by-one. "Your friend is quite loud isn't he?"

"Hey! He just hired us to find you so he can get his stupid little harp back!" says Groose, who starts to hang lower and lower at each passing second.

"The name's Tingle, and that guy's crappy so-called Ocarina-playing down there keeps interrupting my afternoon naps whenever he passes through this forest. I do not appreciate excess noise, so that's why I make it a point to hijack other's instruments."

"So what if he and that little girl did interrupt your 'little nap'? You're going to give that instrument back to us or eeeEEEELLLSSSSSEEEEE!" yells Groose. He loses his grip and came falling down to the ground, hitting every branch on the way down before landing on top of Link. Gongoron looks up to see Tingle wave good-bye before heading deeper into the forest, from branch to branch, disappearing from sight.

* * *

 **Deeper Into The Forest**

Deeper within the forest, we find the three men hiding behind small dirt-pile as they waited for Tingle to make his next move.

"This plan is pure genius!" whispers Link. The three had set out a bunch of Rupees into a pile on the dirt path. Their plan was to wait for Tingle to try to grab the gems, then have Groose throw his spear really hard, catching him by his clothing, and pinning him to a nearby tree.

"I hope your spear-throwing is accurate enough?" says Gongoron. "Because that's my life-savings you're using for bait," he adds.

"Don't worry. I was the star javelin thrower back in my Skyloft Academy days!" says Groose. "Besides, this spear of mine is a lot lighter than…hey…dude…where's my spear at?" Groose continues, stopping to notice that his spear had suddenly disappeared.

"I thought you were just holding it!" asks Link.

At that moment, Tingle pops out of the trees above and approaches the pile of money, as he twirls Groose's spear in the air.

"That little punk snagged my spear behind my back!" Groose says. Without hesitation, he immediately got up and starts running toward him ready to jump him.

"Give me back my spear you little sucker!" Groose huffs. Tingle snags the Rupees and looks up at the charging adversary.

"You want it back? Here you go!" says Tingle as he throws the spear directly at Groose. Groose yells and quickly ducks as the spear flew over him towards Link. The Hero of Hyrule screams like a girl and presses himself against the tree as the spear stuck itself centimeters from his crotch. He soon faints as the others watch the thief take off yet again.

* * *

 **Much later…**

Gongoron drags the dazed Link by the collar down a semi-cleared dirt path. Groose trudges along using his spear to help hold himself up since his back was now finally killing him from the second crash landing in two days.

"Great, just great. We almost had him if you had kept a better watch over your weapon," Limk accuses Groose. Groose stops and turns around to face him.

"Look, bitch, I fight for the King, not waste time trying to retrieve stupid instruments. I say you should just buy a replica harp, or a piano or a better outfit or something," Groose shoots back.

"I'll have to agree with Groose," says Gongoron. "It's obvious neither of our skills will help in capturing that guy in this humongous forest. We need a better plan then just trying to out-smart and out-chase him as well."

Groose raises an eyebrow as he realizes something.

"Hey, wait a minute, you have that Ocarina on you, right?" Groose asks Link. "Why don't you just play a song that'll put that little creep to sleep or something?" he suggests.

Link raises his head and smiles at the idea.

"You're right! I could have used my Ocarina-playing skills to apprehend that thief! I knew I'd think of a brilliant plan!" says Link. Groose glares at him while Gongoron shrugs at both of them as if saying 'Well, let's give it a shot'.

"Hell no!" yells Tingle as he suddenly walks up toward them from behind. Everyone turns around and drew their weapons toward Tingle…except Link, who clenches his fist in frustration.

"You can have your stupid harp back," Tingle says to them. I'd rather do this than listen to your awful music again," he specifically says to Link.

"Awful!?" Link fumes.

"Well, where is it?" Gongoron demands.

"Right here," Tingle says, pulling out the beautiful harp. Link zips up to Tingle and snatches it away from him as he puts a vice grip on the instrument. It felt good, it was rapture…but something was amiss. Upon closer examination, he noticed one of the strings missing.

"What did you do to it!?" yells Link, walking up and shaking Tingle by his leotard. Tingle pushes himself a way from him and pulls out something from some nearby bushes.

"I borrowed one of the strings from that harp to finish my latest project." he says. Tingle then holds up the object. "See, I made myself a crossbow to help protect myself from armed guys like you and for general 'Crossbow Training'."

"But you never even used it!" says Gongoron.

"Didn't have to. You guys were too stupid to pose too much of a threat," Tingle points out.

"We'll see about that!" says Link, as he clears his throat and started to strum Medli's harp to show him the his power to manipulate others with music.

To his demise, all of the harp's strings immediately snap apart one by one. Gongoron and Groose look at each other and laughs. Tingle even snickers himself.

"Nooo!" the Link yells as he got to his knees. He slowly turns around to the two.

"Well, aren't you two going to apprehend him and bring him to justice?" Link asks. At this point, Link was going 'cuckoo for cocoa-puffs' from the destruction of Medli's harp.

"Not until you pay us our reward for going through all this mess," says Groose.

"Oh yeah, the reward…well…for you're guy's help…(I guess)…I will give you guys a private concert hosted and played by yours truly!" Link beams.

The next thing Tingle saw was Groose chasing Link through the forest, spear extended, while Gongoron tries to catch up with them. From the distance, you could hear the Hero of Hyrule fall over himself a couple times as well.

* * *

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